Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Randomize
