it's too hot outside to masturbate.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
