im about as happy as oj after his trial
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
