I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
