was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
