Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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