Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Randomize
