# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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