so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
