I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Randomize
