is your mom at the bar?
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Let's get the cat blown out
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
