he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
if you like me you must not know who I am
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Randomize
