U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
