she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
