Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
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