How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
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There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
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IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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