How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.