My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby