I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?