i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
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Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
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Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?