After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
