Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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