Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
