At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
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