then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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