Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
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His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
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For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I see more hoeing in ur future
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