people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
