If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
