apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
