On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
