I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
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i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
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so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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