I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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