i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
