How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
