The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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