my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
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