before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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