Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
