I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
