cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
