dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
