dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
