He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
