i just sent this text using only my big toe
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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