perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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