Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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