Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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