Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
