I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
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