How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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