Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
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