My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
