11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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