I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
