i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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