We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
