You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
