Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Randomize
