my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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