the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
