Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
