haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
